“…This is the power of silence. Grow quietly.”

(Written a few weeks ago)

Inspired by a video I watched this morning, I’m going to try to write as honestly as I can about where I’m at right now, because I’m probably not the only one.

A lot of the things I used to do or think or use to make myself feel better aren’t working as well anymore. It’s like being in-between two states of being, with an old self that doesn’t quite fit right and a new self that hasn’t quite formed yet.

And there’s an anxiety and depression in this that I’ve been contending with. Either an overwhelm or ‘what’s the point’ mentality, while also a need to want to solve, to fix, or to get out of this state — my mind often trying to grasp onto an idea or way of figuring out or making sense of what is happening, while my emotions have often felt unsettled or unable to relax. This combo can pull me in so many directions.

It kind of seems as though there is a death throws of something ending, but resisting. The video I watched described it as an old consciousness – a way of being or perceiving who we are and what life is, which to me makes sense.

Society is unsettled and divided, and has especially been since 2020 — a reverberation that’s been moving through us since. Something drastic has changed. Health problems, changes in society, economic uncertainty, the rise of A.I, fear of the future and all the unknowns, how we interact with each other, the roles we’re playing, past experiences bubbling up again, where we gain our value and worth as humans… And I can see lots of people scrambling to make sense of all this — going back to old systems that seemed to work before. Old roles or ways of living that we want to return to — patterns, selves, relationships, emotions, communities, religion — looking for structure that can contain whatever it is that we’re feeling so we can rest and not have to feel it anymore. Or looking for a saviour — something outside to save us, like a doctor, a guru, a social media influencer, a drug, an ideology, a religion.

I’ve been doing the same thing. And some of it worked, at least for a little while, until it didn’t. Then I’d look for something else, wanting to be fixed rather than learning to accept and surrender to where I am first.

Which is Here.

It seems like I’ve been going through a whole dismantling the last handful of years, my mind and body changing and moving in ways I can’t seem to stop. I see similar patterns happening with others, an unsettled feeling about what they’re doing or questioning how they’ve been living up to this point. And not knowing what to “Do” about it.

The idea of a Death doula comes to mind – needing to learn how to lead ourselves through transition; the death of the old while simultaneously bringing life to the new. Not in a depressing sad way, but rather moving with change and letting old parts of ourself go so we can move forward more lightly in a positive direction. The past is heavy. Emotions and beliefs can have weight to them. Roles can get stifling and constricting. And yet we often attach our sense of self to them — “if I’m not ______, then who am I?”

But the question is, “who am I actually, now?” Rather than then. This is a question we need to answer before we can figure out who we are becoming, which can be hard to decipher when the world is so loud and busy, needing to get things done and survive. There’s no space to really listen, when everyone is talking.

Unfortunately, destruction has noise, but creation is quiet — like a seed germinating in the ground waiting to rise up. But sometimes the forest has to burn first – something has to die to make space for the new. And that new seed needs to be tended to, even if we can’t see it. And at least to me, it feels different than the past, which I think is what’s so unsettling. That it doesn’t feel like there is a precedence that we can rest on — a model or system from the past we can plug and play, because it isn’t really about what we’re doing, but rather how we’re doing it. Where is it coming from? What is our intention? Are we doing it for fame, obligation, selfishness, survival, other people, to fill a hole, or to escape? Or are we doing it authentically, from a deeper place within us that’s trying to enact, connect, share or bring our true self into the world?

Even this idea of what our ’true self’ is, is up for debate — only knowing who we are out of these systems and ideas that seem to be breaking down — I have theories, and slowly learning to express it, but even that will take time. So I’m learning how to stay more open, to not jump ahead and put a placeholder in prematurely, and try to just be here with it while it moves, paying attention to what is needed and moving when I can. To slow down and listen first, before acting, learning to sit in the unknown — the light of awareness.

It would seem that something is trying to be created in this world, and we’re all in on it, so the question is, what are we creating with our own thoughts, emotions, beliefs and actions? Are we allowing others to create a future that we don’t want? Will we just create more of the same which leads to where we are now? Or will we stop to listen and see what is trying to be created through us, despite what we’re being told?

Only time will tell. One day at a time.