It seems that the more the world falls into reactivity, arguing over the news of who’s right or wrong with the latest story, the more it pushes me to disconnect from it all and earnestly search for God instead, the stability below & above the chaos. The world just feels too unstable and not something to build any sort of foundation on, no matter what label, identity, or political party we subscribe to.

I remember hearing something along the lines of, there being a God-shaped hole inside of us that can’t be filled by anything of this world. It seems that when we seek to be filled by pleasure, food, experiences, vacations, sex, substances, drama, entertainment or anything else we use as a distraction, we find ourselves chasing the wrong things. All different forms of lust, which is like a black-hole — only giving temporary fulfillment until the next thing comes along. I think this is where our consumeristic society stems from, junk food that gives us the illusion of nourishment and yet leaves us hungrier than before; a craving more difficult to pinpoint because it’s actually an invisible, spiritual void.

When I was in Bali last year, I decided that I would go to a fancier restaurant that had more western food. My stomach wasn’t feeling that great with all of the local cuisine and I was getting a little homesick, so considering the exchange rate, I could get pretty much anything I wanted on the menu. I decided on a big plate of pasta and then a decadent molten lava chocolate cake. In the middle of eating dessert, while I should have been taking immense pleasure in it, a voice came into my head that said, “This isn’t it.” As much as I tried, it just felt empty, meaningless. And in a sense, the whole trip kind of was, just an extension of ego-gratification, because “I” wanted to travel. A chasing after some externalized happiness that would quell the inner void or lack. Although I appreciated and grew from that experience, by the end it left me beaten down and sick. To be honest, it also left me more spiritually confused and numb, even now.

Since then, I’ve had a harder time reacting to a lot of things going on in the world at the moment, especially seeing how it’s proving to be an outlet for people’s anger, moral superiority, or feelings of division, rather than as a way to find our way back to true understanding. I think getting caught in the material world of form and labels only fuels these feelings of separation, isolation and nihilism. But despite this, there’s still a deeper sense in me that there’s something greater, a light that just won’t give in to the belief that this is all life is — or can be. Rather than getting caught in the chaos, how do I learn to see above it? Or better yet, —through— it, to what’s actually real? To be honest, what’s been coming into my mind is lately is, how do I do as Jesus did? How do I be in the world, but not of it?

Faith has been slowly working on me over the years in different ways. I’ve naively engaged with it, doubted it, denied it with my logical, rational mind, for some reason resisting opening up to something greater than me — and letting it into my Heart. How can something I can’t see be more real than that I can? But I’ve also experienced times of confidence and clarity where this was true, though it was short-lived, as my foundation is still shaken much too easily when bad things come up.

I just watched a movie about C.S Lewis’ path to Christianity which was very relatable, called “The Most Reluctant Convert” (watch on youtube). I wouldn’t say I’m an atheist like him, perhaps the opposite where I’ve let my undisciplined mind explore too many options where now I’m doubting the truth of all of it (see: nihilism). And yet I seem to always come back to the light; “God is Light” — as without it there would be no spark of life. But what is that exactly? It’s easy to get caught up in illumination — false light — we’ve created like electricity, phones, computers, lightbulbs, giving us the illusion of light, which is basically just junk food for our eyes, information without substance. Even as I write this on my computer, I consider the futility and lifelessness of these words. But I think sometimes we have to travel through darkness, to experience emptiness, until we eventually stumble into something meaningful that we would rather be filled by — and I think this is what God is meant to do.

But until then, it seems to me that it’s important not to let the chaos of the world overtake us, to fill our minds with division and fear, which requires us having faith that we will eventually get to where we need to go — no matter the valleys — or at least be given eyes to see what was probably right in front of us the whole time.

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Matthew 7:7-8 KJV
[7] Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: [8] for every one that asketh, receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.