What do I orient myself towards?

There are so many things vying for my attention, telling me I should do this, or how much I need that. Self-help information, spiritual teachings, other people’s perspectives, ideas, insights…

I’ve been pulled in so many directions, trying to “find myself” through various means. Astrology, numerology, psychology, somatics, chakras, emotions, ideas, hobbies… So many ‘identities’ that just don’t seem to fit quite right, always leaving me seeking, or at least not feeling fully secure in myself. Not that they haven’t been valuable in my exploration of understanding, but so far they haven’t led me to where I thought they would.

What are the higher or deeper principles involved to guide me? How do I actually want to show up in the world? What qualities would I like to be viewed as having or remembered by? What do I value in others?

As deep as I’ve explored parts of myself, I’m realizing that I need a foundation of principles to live by. Values or virtues that permeate through anything that I do, and for that to be the primary focus for my life. 

The main question being: What does it mean to be a good Human on this Earth? 

I am far from where I want to be, failing in so many areas while creating the perception that I’m further along than I am. There is a lot of work to do.

Yet, there is a desire to be better, and a deep sadness (anger, even) that I’m not living up to my potential, even though there are so many people who believe in me.

So another question I ask myself is, why don’t I believe in me? Why don’t I respect and love myself? And what do I need to do to gain this love and respect? The belief that I am inherently ‘good’ just for being ‘me’ doesn’t feel like enough anymore, as it has led to an entitlement of sorts, a distortion that just because I’m alive that I somehow ‘deserve’ what I have. I see this same belief throughout our society, a lack of gratitude and respect for what’s been given, or the desire to just consume more, without thinking about the quality that they’re giving back to the world. 

But I also don’t want to keep focusing on what other people are or are not doing. I want to be more concerned with how I’m showing up, to try to live by what I believe to be true, or at least strive to live up to a greater potential for myself.

Not because anyone else wants me to, or for recognition or praise, but because it just seems like the right thing to do. This feels like a quality of self-love I need.

Rather than exploring ideologies, I’ve been thinking about values and virtues instead, things like Respect, Honesty, Forgiveness, Courage, Generosity and Creativity, which exist independently. It would seem to me that these are fundamental to explore, to act as a guiding force to orient my thoughts and actions — to focus on building a foundation first. I don’t want to keep getting pulled into the immorality of the world, so I need an anchor that can keep me on course, and I hope to find it through exploring more of these principles in the future, and whatever direction they take me in.