I’d like to learn how to prioritize and anchor Peace more within myself.

There is so much conflict in the world, which we see through war, division, hate, and fear, weaponized against us through media in order to keep us apart. To purposely divide and disconnect us from each other.

While at the same time, there is also so much conflict going on internally with us (myself included), at war with our own minds, hearts, and emotions, with not many places to rest. There is such a monumental polarity in this society, an intense divide, that seems almost irreconcilable sometimes. And at the root, I think it actually might be. Or at least as long as we keep choosing sides, choosing labels, choosing to be “right” rather than putting Peace and Understanding above our egoic, emotional reactions. But how do we believe in something we can’t see, or that we haven’t experienced? How do we look beyond our current circumstances? I think that’s the Power of Faith, trusting in something even if it isn’t right in front of us. I believe it will also require us to learn how to cultivate our own safer internal environment, so that we don’t just spill our emotions out onto others, taking more self-responsibility.

At least from my own experience, I think if we only search for it externally, we’ll never find it since that isn’t where it is hidden. Of course this doesn’t negate the need for safe, physical spaces where our survival needs can be met, which allows this internal search. I’ve been incredibly fortunate to have this, which I’ve been working hard to make positive use of. But even with having been given so much, I’ve realized that there is something important still missing, and that I can’t rely on other people or things to give me what I need to learn how to give myself. Love, acceptance, compassion, patience. This is where my practice of meditation has come in, diving into my own inner chaos to try to make Peace.

I used to only be able to meditate for less than 2 minutes because my inner world was too unstable, my thoughts too overwhelming. And yet I’ve kept choosing to go within myself and contend with the push and pull of my mind and heart for longer periods, learning how to listen to either side while breathing gently & calmly alongside it. Also allowing myself to feel the intense emotions that came up, eventually learning that there is Peace to be found after the storm.

It seems as though I’ve been looking for inner Peace most of my life, which even now is still illusive for me, never lasting long enough or to the full extent of what I sense is possible. I’m only able to reach it for a moment, usually when I’m meditating on my own, but then I’m quickly thrown back into the conflict of the world, other people, and my own thoughts and feelings. Perhaps true Peace can only happen when we fully transcend this life altogether, reaching enlightenment because there is nothing else to learn here. But until then, it seems that we have to learn how to contend with and reconcile it as best we can. Though when I look at the larger world, it’s incredibly overwhelming to think about, which is why I think I’ve chosen to try to find it within myself instead, since that is where I have the most agency over. And I get the sense that the more I learn to feel that this is possible in my own Heart, through these little moments, that more Faith I’ll have in it. That it’s actually real.

Though, my ego can also be very selfish by wanting to keep this Peace to itself. It wants to withhold, it wants me to isolate from the world, it wants to blame and point fingers instead, playing the victim over why it has to give up what it wants, and that other people are at fault. “Why do I have to forgive when it’s someone else who hurt me?” But I think it’s this kind of thinking that keeps us in conflict, away from Love. Connection.

The insight that came to me while contemplating this is, do I value Love and Peace, or do I value the need to be ‘right’? Do I also just wait for something outside of me to give me what I need or do I try to cultivate that feeling within myself, so that others can believe it’s possible too? And this is where my ego resists. Big time. It pulls me out of the Heart, and tries to sabotage this good train of thought by bringing me back into selfish desires.

Thus: Conflict. And I know I’m not the only one.

So then how do we move through this? There are so many different ways, and I couldn’t possibly explain the path I’ve been taking, but what I’ve found the most beneficial is: Moving Slowly & Patiently. At least for myself, I’ve learned that the more harshly and impatiently I approach that part of myself, the more it resists. The more shame and blame I project onto it, the more it just fuels the fire. Because the reality is, we do all work with an ego. A protective personality that tries to keep us safe, even though it can be severely limited in its perspective due to past experiences, unable to see outside itself. We are all hurt, we are all in conflict, yet we all want Love for all those parts we hide away. And I think the more we can at least try to alleviate this conflict in ourselves, through compassion and understanding, at least we’ll be moving in the right direction. Or if we do have an ego reaction or flare-up, are we able to come back into Peace? It seems like a monumental task, one I’m not even sure I know how to do, as it will require a ridiculous amount of patience. But I know Life unfolds at its own pace, not the pace “we” want it to go at, and there is certainly a lot to unpack. At least that’s what I’m choosing, otherwise I think we’ll just keep following that well-worn path back to fighting, division and separation. How else are we to get out of this loop?

I know that this post-meditation feeling will dissipate, with the insights moving further away from where I actually am, but moments like this help to re-enforce my Faith that Peace can somehow exist here, even in the face of what’s happening externally that tells me otherwise. As cheesy as it sounds, I hope that all beings may eventually know Peace within themselves.

And the last thing I’d like to leave you with, which came up during my meditation, is the Hawaiian practice of forgiveness (Hoʻoponopono) that could be very helpful as a daily mantra:

“I love you.
I’m sorry.
Please forgive me.
Thank you.”