It’s felt like a long winter. And I don’t necessarily mean in the seasonal sense, though I’ve known for a while that the lack of sun can cause me to slip into a kind of depression or lack of excitement about life. Moreso, I feel like I’ve been fumbling around in the dark for quite a while, and only just now getting a sense of what that all means.

There isn’t really the depression or nihilism this time around, but rather… an emptiness. I’ve had to keep acclimating myself to this feeling, riding the waves of anxiety and panic of “what the heck am I doing” as I try to clear out as much of my own inner baggage as I can. It’s amazing how much we get used to feeling ‘full’ without questioning what we might be full -with-. A vision an old backpack comes to mind, full of possessions, memories, emotions and beliefs that we carry around with us through life, weighing us down. Our nervous systems loaded, fascia knotted and muscles re-enforcing certain postures so that we can carry such weight. But creating more space, more emptiness, seems to have allowed a lot of that to unravel, to dissolve.

But then the question is, which is where I am now: what do I want to fill it with?

A seed has been planted in my mind about the need for Beauty. And as I sit watching the sunrise, especially after a period of not being able to see one due to the grey skies, I notice its affect more and more. It’s value.

I’ve also started going to church recently. Not as a self-proclaimed christian, but as a spiritual being looking for another way to connect to something bigger than me. To glean insights that can help me along my path, while being in an absolutely beautiful cathedral, filled with organ music, choral singing, and shared reverence. The deeper meaning of the Christ essence also seems to be becoming more prominent in my mind.

The other week, a man (minister?) brought something up along these lines: imagine that you’re in a garden at night. The moon is full so you can see that there are different types of flowers and plants, and yet with the moonlight, you can only see different shades of grey, with shadows casting over everything. There is a lot of space for things to hide.

And so now imagine this garden in the daytime, when it’s lit up by sunlight. You can now notice all of the vibrant colours; reds, yellows, oranges and purples. Life becomes so much more alive, a higher definition with more detail and complexity. It’s much more engaging.

Though from my experience, I’ve learned that there is certainly an immense beauty in the moonlight, even a necessity as it allows a more diffused light for us to see with (something our deeper emotions feel safer to come out to, which I’m very much familiar with..), but I’m also aware of the potential to get lost in its shadows and imaginings. I believe this is reflected in the belief that the moon is a source of light, and not simply illuminated by the sun’s light.

He tied this to the idea that a lot of the world still lives in darkness; a sea of grey, not seeing the full beauty in life. Also the darkness of ignorance, not understanding what life (or their Self) actually is, wanting to hide away instead. We can see this through how we’ve oriented our society, and on the faces of people. Their eyes and apathy. I know this feeling well (I still do). And yet, I feel like I’m finally beginning to see the light more, to feel light-er, not just externally but inside myself. It’s faint, and I can easily fall back in if I’m not careful, but faith is growing, like a tiny ember needing constant encouragement to grow and expand it’s warmth.

If you really think about it, without this light, what is the point of living? Why are we here? If we can’t find the beauty amongst the ugliness of the world, how can we then change what we focus on? But also, sometimes we have to keep going into this darkness until we’re able to finally find that there was actually light inside us all along. That beauty was always there if we only had eyes to see it.

And with Spring around the corner in this part of the world, there will soon be more light and beauty everywhere. I believe this is what the essence of Christ is meant to represent: the light of the world, joy, love, compassion and zest for life and what’s been created. Sacrificing ourselves to this world in order to bring more of that where there has been darkness and ignorance. The light of understanding. A North Star we can aim towards, even if we might feel far away from it.

The world isn’t perfect, and neither am I, but I think it’s up to us to find a way to make it work somehow. To find the beauty in the mundane, to heal and make ourselves lighter by letting go of some of our baggage. We won’t be able to carry it where we’re going, and it’s important to help others lighten their load as well. Belief in our Self fuels belief in others. I’m starting to realize how important Faith is.

And I think this is what the darkness has taught me. It’s forced me to fumble my way through, to go into that diffused moonlight and to grasp on to different (incomplete) ways of understanding, so that I could feel what needed to be felt. To let go what I needed to let go. And now with the sun beginning to rise again, the light coming back within me, I’m much more appreciative of what it provides, especially as we move out of winter. It is the spark of new Life.