I may be naive or ignorant to believe this, but I truly believe in Goodness.

Despite what is going on in the world, the disconnection, division, fragmentation and fracturing between people, families, cultures, religions, and any other way we’ve tried to be broken down, I still choose to believe that Connection is possible, that a common thread binds us all.

Even if I can’t fully feel it within myself, getting swept up in rejection, anger, fear, or resentment towards life, I still believe I can come back to it. I know the sun will always return, and so I work to figure out how I can change my view to see it more clearly. What a gift, the Light of Understanding.

“This is the message we have heard from Him and announce to you, that God is Light, and in Him there is no darkness at all.” – 1 John 1:5

This wasn’t my intention, but I’m only now just beginning to reconcile my relationship with the Christ essence through Jesus, as well as God, which unfortunately has become a very emotionally loaded subject.

But like the sun starting to rise again after a dark winter, with light comes hope. I think the moment we give up hope, letting the flame in our heart go out, is when we lose our connection to God. And I’ve had so many instances where I’ve shut myself down, closed myself off from people, from goodness, believing that life (and subsequently, me) was a bad thing. I was ‘alone’ in my suffering.

When I was younger, I used to hate myself. I was angry at the world, I drank and smoked and didn’t care about myself at all. I hung around the wrong people, and took in so many harmful things, mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. My mind capable of going into very unhealthy directions, getting swept up in other people’s problems, thinking they were mine. I also spent a lot of time alone in these feelings, not knowing how to express or share them, so I just smiled.

This carried on well into my adult years (I even still fall back into it). Some might not believe this, but though I make a choice to show more light as my outer exterior, my inner world can be a very different story. Much like everyone else, I have my own demons to contend with.

And yet life seems to somehow direct me to better circumstances. The right people are put in my path, the right information, insights or opportunities keep showing up, I’ve had immense support when even if I fell back down again, a hand was waiting. Looking back, it feels like I’ve always been guided, even if I didn’t know it. I’ve been so unbelievably blessed in many different ways, and I’m so grateful.

And yet there’s been a battle going on internally, between heaven and earth, head and heart. My body has been tight and constricted, twisted into knots to try to keep the light out, while also preventing me from letting love in; from connecting and feeling at peace within life. But I’ve been breaking down the walls around my heart for the last 5 years that have isolated me, and I only just now start to feel like I’m finally shedding most of the armour. I’m close to a new start.

But without this armour, I’m recognizing more of a gentle sensitivity. When on my own, I’ve always been this way (this is where my music is written from), but I don’t show this side to many people, especially not out in the often harder, more calloused external world. But it seems this is what is needed to be shared. To bring my inner world of thought and feeling, out for others to connect to. To be understood.

Even if I didn’t consciously know it, there is a seed in me that I’ve been learning to tend to.

A vision that I could not see, and yet a feeling deep within me that has been guiding me, and it’s only when looking back that I can see why things needed to be the way they were. The perfectly imperfect path that has led me to this moment, to have this realization, as I am now. A work in progress.

Because in this moment, I also feel very far away from the reality of this Light, of who I can become. I’ve ventured so far into darkness, not to vilify it, but to try to understand and make peace with it. Though now I’m left looking at a star so far off in the sky, wishing I could be where it was. But I also know there is a golden thread of light that connects me to it that cannot be broken, and I believe this is what has been calling for me to (finally) turn around. The North Star. It’s funny how compelling shadows can be, yet they simply disappear when you turn back towards the light.

But to shine more light, means to expose more darkness.
To care means to open up to being hurt,
And to be soft in this world invites feeling pain.

The brighter you shine, the larger the shadows cast.

But something may have shifted in me, from a more adolescent version of connection and care, to a more fierce determination to not just prove that it exists, but to BE it.

There is a part of me that refuses to let the world break me.
That refuses to let the world dim my light.
That refuses to let difficulties in life harden my heart again
Or make me hold back from speaking what I believe to be true.

Not to fight, but to work towards finding Peace. Goodness. Understanding. God.

I’m trying to let go of the the need to save anyone,
as I’m not anyone’s saviour.
But maybe through finding more of my Self,
I can simply inspire others to do the same.

Thanks for reading.
Gordon.