…Look how they shine for you.”

I’m a little early for the winter solstice, but I was told it was a really clear night (for a city, anyway), so I went for a drive to look at the stars.

They say this is a good time to set intentions, as the beginning of the sun’s return, the light coming back marking the end of the darkest part of the year. I envision it as the first spark of what’s to come, so I took to the stars for inspiration.

The first thing I noticed though, is just how difficult it is to get away from artificial light, with street lights, car headlights, Christmas lights, and all the other light pollution that comes with city living. It was actually starting to irritate me, how I couldn’t focus on the stars, and just how diminished they looked compared to what they could be.

I eventually moved to a little better spot by the ocean, where I could listen to the waves. I’m fortunate to have seen some pretty spectacular night skies, and even though this one wasn’t as vibrant, it was still beautiful.

Though my mind couldn’t help but wander to how much I would’ve liked to share this with someone, and that even though I enjoy my own company, experiencing things with the right person can make it more meaningful somehow. I’ve thought this before with past experiences that I’ve had, how much better it could’ve been not to be on my own, including my most recent travels to SE Asia. The quote, “Happiness is only real when shared,” comes to mind.

I’ve spent the last handful of years trying to empty myself out, clearing space within myself. For most of my life, my heart has been a bit of a fortress, constricted and armoured through past experience of heartbreak and rejection, learning that deeper connection is meant to be protected from. It feels as though I’ve been able to let go of a lot of that, and yet now it actually just feels kind of empty.

I thought of a song I wanted to listen to on the beach, called “Saturn” by Sleeping at Last. I had a pretty emotional response the last time I played it on a bus in Thailand, and it felt fitting for this moment. “How rare and beautiful it is to even exist.” I hold on to the hope that even though it might feel empty now in its ‘darkness’, it is actually just space for something new to come in, like the spark of life that will grow with the sun’s coming ascent. My intention is to let more light into my heart. Literal sunlight, but also to believe that love doesn’t have to be a heavy, painful experience, but rather joyous and expansive. As deep as my heart can go, I want to reach for the stars, and to shine my light into the world that seems to need it. And how deep into my heart I’ve gone, is just the process of planting that seed of light as close to the centre as possible, so that it can germinate and grow. It’s our light of awareness that penetrates through the heart of darkness.

And I don’t find my own darkness as scary anymore, becoming pretty familiar with it over my life. I’ve found that, though we can certainly get lost in it, we can learn ways to get out of it faster. Also, the exploration of it can bring into our awareness just how important it is to cultivate our own inner light, hope and faith. That without it, life can feel pointless and empty, and yet if we learn to re-frame and see it instead as potential for something, rather than endless nothing, that is what can lead to a creative spark. It’s in complete darkness that seeds grow, and it’s complete darkness that our pineal gland needs to become active, which I’m realizing more just how difficult it is to find in the age of artificial light and technology. But that’s for another time.

In any case, I feel the light within me starting to return again and I definitely look forward to getting more sun in my eyes in the coming months, and feeling the warmth on my skin. I wish you all a wonder-ful winter solstice, and that the seeds you plant deep in your heart now, grow and bloom with the coming spring 🌻

Thanks for reading,
Gordon.

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“Saturn” – Sleeping at Last