…was the word.”

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It’s funny how I keep putting off things that I know are good for me. I often hesitate to start (and be consistent with) practices because I don’t have a clear idea or vision of where they’re going. I start and stop (see: past blog posts), but struggle with seeing things to the end. Into the unknown, I suppose.

I find it easier to get caught in the familiar, to give in to predictability, doing and thinking the same things because I already know the outcome. I know I’m not alone in this, as we often put our belief in what is familiar or what other people tell us because maybe we haven’t explored ourselves enough to even know what we believe, let alone have the courage or confidence to put it out into the world.

But I’ve always had a fascination with words, since writing (shitty) poetry in my early years, or writing in an online journal community, trying to get all of my teenage angst out as best I could. And I’ve come a long way since then, getting a better handle on not just words, but myself in general. I have a clearer idea of who I am and what I believe, which thank goodness because I definitely was not seeing the world in a good light back then. Luckily, I’ve been able to write a lot of my way through it, pages and pages of writing that I’ll probably never show, but my love of words has continued.

Looking back, I guess you can say I’ve been trying to find my way out of darkness, and back towards the light. Not necessarily in a dramatic or religious way, but rather moving out of ignorance and becoming more aware of how life actually works, and my place in it. Writing, reading, speaking and music have been paramount in that, not just opening my mind up to new ways of thinking, but exploring emotion and new ways of being. I’ve also benefited greatly from the words of other people, and yet for some reason I struggle to consistently write and share my own, to bring light to my rich inner world so that others may share in it. Or perhaps even see themselves in it, which I’ve certainly experienced. At least from one perspective, keeping all my thoughts and beliefs to myself means keeping them in darkness. I’m not speaking them into the light of existence, which can seem scary because then they are open to criticism, rejection, animosity or simply lack of care. People seem to love to criticize what they don’t understand, so I invite you to ask questions for clarity instead, or share from your own experience.

What I believe isn’t fixed, as I’m a very curious person who legitimately just wants to understand, which has led me into so many ways of seeing. I’d like to think I’m fairly balanced and grounded in my approach (lessons that have been hard earned), though I still have much to learn. A stranger years ago said this to me, that will stick with me forever, which is: “The more you know, the less you know.” There’s a serious humbling in that, which I want to bring with me as I write. Not to speak with “authority”, that I know everything, but rather speak with a humble confidence, from a more personal lens, the only lens I can truly ever see life through.

Which brings me to a theme that I plan to explore more going forward, that of Vision; how I see the world. Ironically, my physical eyes are faulty, and yet I like to believe that I’ve cultivated much inner-sight, that I plan to bring more out in this space, but to simultaneously explore the possibility that I can actually heal my eyes as well. They say to believe is to make real, so then we must learn to speak our reality into existence (and be mindful of what we’re already creating).

So, let this be the first step in that direction.

Thanks for following along with me 🙂
Gordon.